


Dance of the Trash Pandas

by burn_the_sky



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Everyone loves Groot, Fluff, Fun, I Don't Even Know, Love, Nature, No Smut, No real point, Other, Poor Quill, Rabies, Racoon, Run Away, Short One Shot, Team as Family, Trash Panda, Why Did I Write This?, trip to earth, woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:04:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burn_the_sky/pseuds/burn_the_sky
Summary: Short story about a trip to Terra and an unexpected twist for one of the guardians.





	Dance of the Trash Pandas

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I find this so funny. All characters are the property of Marvel and Mother Nature.

Quill's jaw was set firmly as they made the final jump. They were getting paid a shit ton of money, but that didn't mean he had to like it. "Will you please stop pouting? We will only be there for a week. This is by far the easiest job we have taken on." Gamora admonished as she checked their ETA. "We're going aren't we? See? There it is, right there. That little blue and green dot. Easy-peasy." Drax looked out of the window at the speck growing larger in the distance. "I thought you hated this place?" Gamora settled in her seat, watching the back of Quill's head. "He does." Quill shrugged his shoulders defensively. "How many times do I gotta say it? I don't hate Terra! I love Terra! It just... I don't like the things that have happened on it. Okay?" 

"I got rigs set to blow if base camp is compromised, all weapons are fully loaded, and I got a nuke ready to blow this nature chick away if she gets frisky." Rocket announced as he entered the cockpit with Mantis and Groot. Quill tore his gaze away from the growing vision of Earth to look at him gob smacked "What the hell?! We're goin' to the Rocky Mountains! We don't need explosives! Besides, this is a simple mission: get samples of plant life to bring back to Fogran to help sustain their atmosphere. We aren't fighting anybody!" "The Galactic Alliance said this place is always at war! That's why they haven't been invited to join yet!" Rocket exclaimed. "Not in the Rocky Mountains!" Quill fired back. "Whatever Earth boy. We're ready if the shit goes down. And I got a surprise for Forrest Mama if she tries to keep us from them plants." 

Going from irritated to perplexed, Quill had to ask. "Nature chick? Forrest Mama? Are you talkin' about mother nature?" "Yeah. We're stealing her plants, right?" Rocket responded, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "No. We are taking samples from nature. Mother Nature isn't a person. It's Terra, the planet." At this, Mantis went a bit rigid. "...Like Ego?" "No! No, not like Ego! Thats what people call Terra to humanize it, so when people start to trash it they think about it like they are hurting a person. The idea is that Terra is a mom to all it's people and gives them what they need to live, so they should take care of it." Rocket took his seat and pondered this for a moment. "Didn't you say most Terrans don't know there is anything else out there? So as far as they know they got nowhere else to go. If that's true why would they wreck their own planet? That's just stupid." After a moment Quill gave it to him, "Yeah, you're right. Humans are pretty stupid as a general rule."

They landed far from civilization, hidden well in a thickly forrested area. A few of the large boxes containing specimen jars were wheeled out by Kraglin, Quill, and Drax as Gamora (with Groot on her shoulder) and Mantis started to take readings near by for their employer to compare later. Rocket left the ship with bombs. "What the hell?! I thought we talked about this! We aren't in a war zone!" Peter yelled as Rocket adjusted the straps on his back pack. "How do you know? You ain't been here in years. I'm not takin' any chances. If there ain't anything what might try and kill us out there we got nothin' to worry about. If there is than we got our asses covered." Quill looked to Kraglin for support. "He's got a ponit, Captain. Maybe let him just in case?" Drax simply nodded his agreement with Rocket and Kraglin. "Fine, but I decide if they go off. I'm not gonna let you blow everything up because you feel threatened by a bunny or some shit." Rocket pulled his pack more firmly into place as he wondered off, muttering to himself "What the hell is a bunny?"

Night had fallen by the time Rocket had returned, the first of the seven containers having already been filled. Rocket quietly walked into the common area as they all ate. "You get your death traps set up?" Quill asked as he prepared to shovel another fork full into his mouth. "Huh? Yeah. Yeah, it's all set." by passing the food, Rocket started to head straight for his room. "You aren't eating?" Drax asked. "Uh, no. My stomach feels... funny. I'm gonna go sleep. 'Night."

The next day something was clearly off about Rocket. He and Drax had gone off to collect specimens, but Rocket was unable to focus on his task. "Did you not hear me?" Drax asked, clearly irritated. "Climb up this tree and take a look around. We need to scout the area." Rocket grumbled as he shoved his back pack into Drax's waiting hand, Groot climbing his arm. "Why don't you get up there and scout?" "Because the bark is abrasive. I find it unpleasant." "Well what if I find it unpleasant?" Drax simply shrugged. "I asked first." With a grunt Rocket climbed the tree, getting about three fourths of the way up before stopping to look around. "There is some weird flower stuff over there and a patch of that ivy stuff Quill said would make you itch. We should get some and rub it on his bed! He'll wake up all itchy and he won't know..." he trailed off and stared into the distance before taking off, leaping from tree to tree and losing Drax far behind him.

"What do you mean he ran away?" Gamora asked when Drax and Groot returned alone. "I am Groot." Groot piped up, pointing in the direction Rocket had sped off in. "What was that about Poison Ivy?!" Quill asked him. "I am Groot." he replied. "No it wouldn't be funny! When he gets back..." Gamora cut him off, holding one hand in his face and her communicator up in the other. "Quiet! Rocket? Where are you?" after a moment of static, Rocket's whispered voice came through. "Shhh!! Shut up! I need radio silence! I'll be back later." Quill reached out and took the communicator. "Nope. Nope, you are not gonna over complicate this. Whatever you're doing, shut that suspicious little brain up and get back to the ship." Rocket's whispered reply was insistant. "RADIO. SILENCE. You're gonna scare her off, now shut up!" It was Gamora that gave voice to the confusion. "...Her?"

As the next few days went by very little was seen of Rocket, and even less heard. He didn't stick around long enough to answer any questions and actually started to take to staying out all night. "I am Groot." The baby of the group pouted. "I know you miss him buddy. He'll be back soon, then we can get off this rock and get back to normal, okay?" Quill said as he handed Groot off to Kraglin. "I am Groot?" "Well, no one knows what he's doin'. He hasn't made anything explode, so there's that." Kraglin assured him as he made him a tiny bowl for dinner. "This is getting ridiculous. He is supposed to be helping Drax, not running off doing god knows what." Gamora complained as she joined them, Drax and Mantis not far behind. "Mantis has been helping me. She is not pleasant to behold, but is adequate at the task." Mantis beamed. "I like helping! Because I am ugly it is good to be useful." Quill face palmed. "You aren't ugly, Mantis. Drax, stop. Just stop." Drax gestured to Mantis. "You do your friends no favors by deceiving them, Peter." "Dude, she isn't... ROCKET!! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!"

He had tried to sneak past his friends and cringed at getting caught. "What? I been scouting." Gamora put her hands on her hips and gave him a hard look. "This whole time?" He wasn't good at lying to his friends. "Yeah! You want Nature Mom to plan a surprise attack? Not me." "Mantis?" Gamora asked, inclining her head at their furry friend. Before he could react Mantis touched his head. "He is in love!!" she exclaimed, Rocket shrugging away perturbed. "In love?" Kraglin asked. "Out here in the middle of no where?" "This is a covert operation, Rocket. The inhabitants of Terra cannot be made aware of our presence. Who is it?" The harshness had gone from her voice, but Gamora remained firm. "I... I don't know her name. I haven't had the balls to talk to her yet. She's so... beautiful. She's perfect." Rocket pulled out his tablet and gazed lovingly at her picture, one he had snapped without her knowing. "Well come on, let's see her." Quill spoke as he walked toward his friend. "No! You can't look at her! She don't ever where no clothes!" Drax had come up behind him and deftly taken the tablet, looking at it puzzled before he handed it to Quill. "Give that back!" Rocket protested loudly as Quill looked at the screen. "It is not polite to take nude photographs of women without their knowledge." Drax admonished. "Dude... it's just a racoon." Quill finally said. "DON'T CALL HER THAT!!" Rocket yelled, punching Quill in the leg and causing him to buckle at the knee. "But that is literally what she is! She's a wild animal!" "HOW DARE YOU!! YOU ELITIST BASTARD!! She isn't hurtin' no body!! She ain't caused no harm!! She's just different!!" He punctuated the last word with a kick to Quill's side. "I'm not insulting her!! I'm just telling you that is an actual, real life racoon! I'm sure she's a perfectly nice racoon! What the shit?!" With a punch to the stomach and a one fingered salute Rocket made his way to the exit hatch. "Don't you EVER insult her like that to me! I'm outta here StarJerk! Don't bother comin' after me!"

On the last day of their mission they still hadn't seen Rocket. Groot was completely depressed and the others were not fairing much better, Quill still feeling the need to defend himself by reminding them it was in fact an actual racoon. As the last of the storage boxes were loaded Gamora tried again to contact Rocket on his communicator, but to no avail. "He really isn't coming back." she said, resigned sadness in her eyes as she gazed over the forrest. "What can we do? He made his choice. He could be anywhere by now. This is gonna kill Groot. Lets fire her up, no use in hangin' around if..." the thick patch of shrubs about 50 feet away shook violently, grabbing their attention. Gamora instinctively went for the hilt of her blade as Quill went to reach for his gun. "What is that? Are you sure this territory is not hostile?" Gamora asked quietly.The shrub shook again as Quill lowered his voice "I don't know, It's been a while since I've been here, remember?!" As the shaking grew more constant and violent they readied themselves for attack. When the anticipation had reached it's very peak, Rocket exploded out of the shrub in a full sprint. "RUN AWAY!!!" before they could ask the female racoon ran out, foaming at the mouth and sights locked on Rocket. Weapons forgotten in a moment of panic, all three dashed inside the ship and quickly closed the hatch behind them as the female was heard scratching and hissing in the other side. 

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" Quill exclaimed, doubled over to catch his breath. "I don't know! We were okay for a while but that crazy bitch turned on me when I went to eat some of the grub she brought back! What was that comin' out of her mouth?!" "Rabies! It's called rabies!" Quill shouted. "Did you contract the rabies?!" Gamora asked breathlessly. "No! We never did the deed! I was tryna take my time and be smooth. You know, classy like." "Rabies isn't an STD! It's a... know what, never mind. That's what happens when you mess with a wild racoon's food you idiot!" "She isn't a..." Rocket almost started defensively before he came to an internal understanding. "... Okay, maybe she was a racoon; but now I know for sure... I ain't one."


End file.
